I know I’m not the only one.

There are plenty of women my age who are looking around at all their accomplishments, achievements, healthy, happy family members and thinking: Ok, what’s next?

Well, this year, I decided to really go for it. I put my name up on Casting Workbook, went out for some auditions, failed terribly at one of the first on-camera student film auditions I went out for and decided that theatre doesn’t instantly translate to film.

That’s when I realized I needed more training. Yes, I had about 30 years’ worth of theatre experience, I’d done a wonderful Voice Over course, and I was becoming a pretty frequently working director. But, um…where was I supposed to look when I was talking to more than one character and the camera was fixed? I hadn’t a clue.

Fortunately, I found a wonderful auditioning class full of other student professionals, and led by a fantastically experienced teacher and local actor at a supportive and welcoming school. After the first class, I was 50/50 between, “I’m terrible at this, I should definitely quit” and “the teacher said everyone in her class improves, and let’s face it, things can only go up from here.”

And, to be honest, once you’re past 40, what is there to be afraid of, really? So, with the understanding of what it means to be prepared is a lot different from any of my previous expectations, that knowing your lines and character and motivations means nothing if you haven’t stood on your feet in front of someone and delivered the lines to a tiny cone of audience while not moving out of your tiny rectangle. Well, let’s just say, I didn’t keep the first week’s tape.

I was seriously impressed at how quickly I was able to see myself on tape without cringing. I can’t say I’ve got a totally objective eye. I often liked my initial, pre-coached performances and had to trust my teacher that she was coaching me towards something better. Of course, when I watched the two contrasting performances back afterwards, I could totally see what she meant.

So, learning new skills when you’re at your most vulnerable is hard. It’s emotional, and is so much more life-changing when you’re in a roomful of supportive colleagues. And it’s sad when you go off into the world and leave them behind.

But it’s also fully awesome when you get on set in an indie that is passionate, edgy and visceral. I’ve had wonderful, intense and cathartic experiences because I put myself out there. I found where I was weak, took classes to bolster my skills and then self-submitted for everything that moved me. I’ve been so grateful that there are women out there writing, producing and directing fantastic content that has really drawn me in. I have yet to see the finished products, but the process of creation has already fed my artistic soul and driven me to keep at it.

So, while I’m not in anything you can see on Netflix yet, I’m growing as an industry professional. I’m defining myself differently. I’m saying to the border guard, “I’m an actor and director” instead of “I don’t work”. And I’m starting to say it confidently.